God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize