i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
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I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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