You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
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I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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