trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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