We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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