At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize