i dont even know how to be here
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
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Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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