I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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