if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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