Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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