my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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