Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
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So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just had sex on a roof
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Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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