I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
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Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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