they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
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She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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