Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize