Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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