i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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