did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
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Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize