After last night, I could never be a politician.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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