I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize