$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
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Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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