It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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