2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize