my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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