Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
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I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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