Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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