i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
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He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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