UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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