Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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