words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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