you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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