i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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