Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize