if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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