um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
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aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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