Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
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You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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