dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize