no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
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There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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