I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
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Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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