Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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