My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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