We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
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