i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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