Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
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Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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