I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize