she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
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Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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