You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
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Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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