when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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