i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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