I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize